LUI

today, i feel very tired. it feels as if these lines i am writing might mark a turning point. how many writings, letters, notes have i accumulated until now… yet this time, there’s a different weight inside me.

i can’t fully explain why i feel this way. most of the time, people expect a “reason.” but there isn’t always one. sometimes darkness just suddenly falls over me. it’s as if all explanations become meaningless.

yesterday was a difficult day; i took a step back in my struggle with myself. but now i realize it doesn’t feel the same as before. it’s like i’ve used up all my strength, played all my cards. even my tears seem to have run out… i can’t cry, even if i want to. that gives me a profound sense of emptiness and helplessness.

today, i spoke with my psychiatrist. i told them, “something isn’t right.” beyond what i explained, there was something more: i feel that the limitless patience, resilience, and desire to try again inside me are diminishing.

at home, my dad asked for my help, but i couldn’t summon the energy. sometimes even the simplest things feel impossible. it’s so hard to appear calm outside when storms rage within.

despite all this, writing helps me. my words may be scattered, perhaps contradictory, but they are also proof that i exist. perhaps this note is a small step toward starting again.